we live in a society where everyone talks to muppets like they're actual people and not puppets

conservatives during winter: It Is Cold And Snowy Today, Global Warming Clearly Does Not Exist, You Foolish Liberals

i wrote "you dumb butch" instead of "you dumb bitch" and it sounded like i was endearingly teasing a lesbian and not insulting an idiot straight girl

boy: wyd ;)
me: I'm reading a fascinating book about the entomology of stinging insects, this chapter is about the evolutionary relationship between the human and the honey bee
boy: cool cool u dtf?
me: did you know honeybees still make perfectly symmetrical pentagonal combs when they're in space

me: i'm buzzed and tired, i'm going to sleep
youtube: 3 Weddings That Ended in Horrifying Murders
me: dammit

sweet dreams are made of cheese
who am I to disabrie
I've traveled the world and the kasseri
everybody's looking for chedder
some of them want havarti
some of them want gorgonzola
some of them want colby-jack
some of them want marscapone

to honor the theme of human dentistry, whenever i'm cleaning a dog's teeth i'm gonna tell it it's bleeding because it doesn't floss

I try and act hard but I'm actually a bowl of mashed potatoes, soft and warm and delicious with garlic

who do you ship me with? real or fictional
personally I ship myself with the sweet embrace of death

ngl her relationship must've been pretty shit if she left him for a fucking bee

I keep hearing a random flapping/banging noise so I feel like I'm being haunted by the ghost of Bob Ross. he's come down to beat the devil out of his brush one last time

I know hand sanitizer just helps bacteria evolve to be even stronger but I'm selfish so I'm gonna keep using it

The Titan arum is the largest flowering plant in the world; it can grow up to 20 feet tall! It also smells like rotting meat, making it a carrion flower.

girl scout: hello would you like to-

all of you are talking about club penguin but i'm more of a neopets gay tbh

i'm basically gayle waters-waters but much younger and also i'm not emotionally abusive towards my friends and family

i wish disney owned dc too so there'd be a joker tsum tsum with "damaged" stitched on its forehead

Show more

Berries is a mastodon instance focused on diversity.